PDA

Visualizza versione completa : Jurassic Park 3 - La Sceneggiatura Condensata (lungo)



Fabio
29-08-2001, 16.51.00
In occasione dell'uscita, il prossimo Venerdì, di Jurassic Park III, vi propongo una delle mitiche sceneggiature condensate. Da sbellicarsi.

---------

FADE IN:

INT. DINOSAUR ISLAND

DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBURG is checking out the area.
Suddenly, RAPTORS appear!

DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBURG
Oh no! Raptors!

They eat the SCRIPT FOR JURASSIC PARK 3.

DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBURG
Heavens! I guess I'll just have to
use the script from the first movie
combined with the tattered remains
of the one the raptors ate. Eh,
nobody will notice.

INT. LAURA DERN'S HOUSE

SAM NEILL and LAURA DERN sit at a table. For a moment
we think they may have married each other, but it turns
out they haven't. This misleading setup is SLIGHTLY
CUTE, setting the film's trend of being JUST BARELY
ENTERTAINING.

LAURA DERN
I was willing to return to the
franchise for exactly two scenes. I
hear you're willing to do the whole
thing, Sam.

SAM NEILL
(smirking like a jackass)
Well the first one really got my
career going. And then I saw how
well handled the second one was and
I really thought I missed out.

LAURA DERN
Er..

SAM NEILL
I mean, that could have been ME
chasing dinosaurs around the city
in a terribly absurd manner. I
really missed the boat with that
one. So here I am. William H.
Macy and Téa Leoni have hired me to
fly over the island and, since I'm
a moron, I'm going to do it.

LAURA DERN
I hope you get eaten.

SAM NEILL
(smirking like a jackass)
I'll be fine. This movie is an
extremely blatant rip-off of the
first Jurassic Park and I survived
that.

EXT. DINOSAUR ISLAND

Everyone arrives and, despite SAM NEILL's semi-apathetic
protests, they land.

SAM NEILL
(smirking like a jackass)
You landed? You actually landed on
an island full of free dinosaurs?
Am I the only one here who actually
SAW the other two movies? Are you
all complete idiots?

TÉA LEONI
I am.
(cupping hands and
yelling)
SON!? SON?! WHERE ARE YOU!? ARE YOU
OVER THERE!? BECAUSE YOU CERTAINLY
DON'T SEEM TO BE RIGHT HERE, AT THE
ORIGIN POINT OF ALL THIS YELLING!

Amazingly, a DINOSAUR shows up and eats the helpless
crew people.

TÉA LEONI
Unbelievable. Who would have
thought that yelling endlessly
would attract things that could
kill us. Hi everyone, I'm a
worthless dungheap.

SAM NEILL
(smirking like a jackass)
Jesus, you're the dumbest human
alive. What would William H. Macy
want with you? Hmm...that's a good
question. Something isn't right.

WILLIAM H. MACY
I guess now is as good a time as
any to explain things. Téa and I
aren't married anymore. Our son
went off with Téa's boyfriend or
stepfather and got stranded here.
I wanted you here because you've
been on this island before.

SAM NEILL
No I haven't. I was in the first
movie, not the second.

WILLIAM H. MACY
Oh. Whatever. I never really paid
attention to any of them. They all
kinda suck. Anyway, I know that
I'm placing the lives of you and
these crew people at risk, but hey,
I'm selfish. Also, I'm not rich
and the check I wrote is fake. I
run a paint business.
(pause)
It's a good thing I'm such a
likeable actor or I'd look like a
real scumsucking piece of shit
right now.

TÉA LEONI
Lucky you. I'm not likeable at
all. In fact, I appear constantly
spaced out and there's something
vaguely annoying about the way I
talk. Plus I keep yelling, so I'm
putting everyone's lives as risk
two fold.

SAM NEILL
(smirking like a jackass)
I see. Well it's a good thing I'm
here to help you to escape alive.
As an expert, I must advise you
that the best defense against any
dinosaur is to kick them in the
mouth as much as possible. I also
recommend fattening yourself up a
bit and pricking yourself so you
bleed every so often. Fuckers.

WILLIAM H. MACY
Gee, shucks. We ought to find our
son. Please help, even though you
aren't getting paid and we're both
complete assholes.

SAM NEILL
Hey, wait, how were you able to
convince the airplane pilot and
crew people to come along on this
trip? Unlike me, they wouldn't be
so stupid as to risk their lives
before making sure the check is
valid.

WILLIAM H. MACY
Uh... HEY LOOK, DINOSAURS!

DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBERG throws a dart at the WHEEL-O
DINOSAURS and it lands on SPINOSAURAUS.

Suddenly, a SPINOSAURAUS APPEARS and eats a GUY WITH A
CELL PHONE!

AUDIENCE
Finally, a movie where carrying a
cell phone is a death mark. If only
it were real life...

SAM NEILL
Let's run! Quick, into these
bushes!

The dart lands on RAPTORS.

SAM NEILL
Oh no! Raptors! Let's run away from
them into this big open field!

The dart lands on SPINOSAURAUS again.

SAM NEILL
Oh yeah, him.

The dart lands on T-REX.

The SPINOSAURAUS and T-REX fight. Through all of this,
NOBODY DIES.

SAM NEILL
Everyone into the abandoned lab!

RAPTORS chase them.

SAM NEILL
(smirking like a jackass)
How will we ever escape? First,
let's give back the raptor egg.
(he does so)
Good, now that we did that, they
should probably just eat us right
here.

The RAPTORS stare at the CAST.

WILLIAM H. MACY
Great! The raptors were killing
machines in the other movies, but
apparently they discriminate about
what they eat now. How extremely
lucky for us. Now if only they'd
go away.

SAM NEILL
(smirking like a jackass)
The only way to truly escape is to
use my Raptor Call.

He blows into his RAPTOR CALL.

RAPTOR
I don't understand what you mean by
that.

He tries again, apparently now mastering the Raptor's
language.

RAPTOR
Oh, you want us to leave. Well why
didn't you just say so? See ya.
Oh, and watch out for the
Spinosauraus, cell phones give him
indigestion and he gets really
grumpy.

They LEAVE, illustrating that they are quite STUPID,
despite the entire movie repeatedly insisting they were
INTELLIGENT.

SAM NEILL
We must get to the coast! It is our
only hope!

TÉA LEONI
Why? It's not like anyone will see
us.

SAM NEILL
(smirking like a jackass)
Hey, we need some kind of damn
goal. Otherwise, there would be no
suspense!

WILLIAM H. MACY
Actually, there already is no
suspense; I think everyone in the
audience wants us to get chomped to
bits.

Suddenly, we hear a CELL PHONE. This is REALLY
ANNOYING, because it sounds like some ASSHOLE in the
audience is getting a call.

SAM NEILL
That cell phone means the
Spinosaurus is near! See, we used
to know dinosaurs were approaching
when water rippled. It was ominous
and foreboding. Now they have a
musical tone ring. I'm sure that
doesn't make the dinosaurs less
scary or anything.

THE SON
(appearing conveniently)
Hi! I've managed to survive all of
these dinosaurs! You know why?
Cause I'm a kid in a Jurassic Park
movie! I AM INVINCIBLE!!

SAM NEILL
(smirking like a jackass)
Wow, you have T-Rex piss? I'm
impressed, but you may not be able
to see that through my wall of
confident, smug-as-hell facial
expressions. So how did you get
that, anyway?

THE SON
I walked up to him and kicked his
penis and yelled "Pee for me,
motherfucker!" until he did. He
couldn't do a damn thing about it -
not in this movie!

SAM NEILL
Nice. I'm going to stick close to
you since you can't get eaten.
Let's walk through this fog until
we meet up with some Pteranodons.
They were finally used heavily in
this movie because we can actually
use computers to make them look
real now!

THE SON
Hmm, not really.

They hear the CELL PHONE ringing.

SAM NEILL
Who keeps calling this thing
anyway?

They find it in a pile of SPINOSAURAUS POOP.

SAM NEILL
Great, now I can call actress Laura
Dern!

He does.

SAM NEILL
Oh no! I am unable to say anything
into the phone to communicate my
problem! Surely she will be able
to deduce from some random
grumbling sounds that I am on an
island full of dinosaurs. Then she
will use her Laura Dern Superpowers
to save me!

WILLIAM H. MACY
We're gonna die.

They make it to the coast, upon where they discover a
RIDICULOUSLY LARGE RESCUE TEAM and the EXTREMELY ABRUPT
ENDING. LAURA DERN flies in on her Invisible Dernjet!

LAURA DERN
Hello Sam! Thought you could use a
little help courtesy of my
fantastic Dern Powers!

SAM NEILL
(smirking like a jackass)
Thanks Laura Dern! Tell me, how
was someone in your position able
to pull enough weight to get this
enormous recuse team?

LAURA DERN
Well Sam, I think it's quite clear
that Director Steven Spielburg has
gone totally insane.

DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBURG
Actually, I didn't direct this. Or
write it. I really just threw
money at Director Joe Johnston and
repeatedly sent him copies of the
first Jurassic Park. I was busy
making A.I. unwatchable.

WILLIAM H. MACY
I can't decide if that makes this
movie better or worse.

SAM NEILL
I can't imagine a whole lot that
would make this movie worse.

The Pteranodons fly off as the credits roll.

SAM NEILL
Scratch that.

TÉA LEONI
Aww, look at the flying dinosaurs.
They're so cute and dangerous.

SAM NEILL
Hey wait, why are we all okay with
this? Dinosaurs are escaping.

WILLIAM H. MACY
Because if we cared, we'd have to
do something about it. I want to go
home and return to acting in good
movies.

END

cleaned
29-08-2001, 18.47.00
E' veroooooo! è cos'ì !!
Giuro !!! :D :D

Pave
29-08-2001, 18.53.00
Bill, ma c'è un solo film di cui tu non abbia delle sceneggiature del genere? Sono troppobbelle!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!