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Visualizza versione completa : Mission Impossible 2 - La sceneggiatura condensata (lungo)



Fabio
19-08-2001, 00.01.00
Eccovi un'altra sceneggiatura condensata che ho ritrovato tra i meandri del mio Hard Disk. Rileggendola, mi sono letteralmente contorto a terra dalle risate...

Buona lettura!

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FADE IN:

EXT. RANDOM CLIFFS

TOM CRUISE
Look, I am climbing this mountain!
I'm doing my own stunts! This is
incredibly dangerous!

AUDIENCE
Wow, he's doing his own stunts! That
must mean he's actually hanging on
that cliff with no means of
protection! When an actor does his
own stunts, he always goes above and
beyond what a regular stuntman would
do!

TOM gets some sunglasses. He puts them on.

ANTHONY HOPKINS
Why the hell am I in this? Tom, I
need you to carry the whole movie, but
just to make it look like this movie
is making some attempt to live up to
the shitty standards set by the first
film, we'll pretend for a moment that
you actually should assemble a team.
First, pick Ving Rhames to provide
some kind of flow from the first movie
to this rejected Bond script. Then
pick a random guy with a funny accent.
Lastly, get this chick to whore
herself off.

TOM CRUISE
(grinning like a doofus)
Cool. I'll sleep with her first.

TOM cruise begins an extraneous love story by fucking
THANDIE NEWTON in slow motion.

TOM CRUISE (cont’d)
(grinning like a doofus)
Can you make me a martini? Shaken,
not stirred.

INT. BAD GUY HIDEOUT

DOUGRAY SCOTT
Have sex with me and I'll give you
this KODAK BRAND digital camera flash
card with incriminating photos. KODAK:
Take pictures. Further.

THANDIE NEWTON
I have tits.

DOUGRAY SCOTT
They are quite nice. I shall exchange
secret info for the fondling of them.
Later, though.

DOUGRAY leaves. TOM CRUISE enters.

TOM CRUISE
Hey, you are doing quite well at
betraying Dougray Scott. Continue
doing what he wants, even if he tells
you he wants to fuck you in the ass.
It doesn't hurt as much as you might
think and he's not that weird. Lots
of people do it, who are you to judge?
Heh. Er.

THANDIE NEWTON
Okay Tom. Anything for you, my REAL
LOVER.

She leaves. TOM's FACE is removed to reveal DOUGRAY
SCOTT!

DOUGRAY SCOTT
Good thing I kept this mask. Now it's
time to sell this virus that I stole.

DIRECTOR JOHN WOO
Oh yeah, the virus! Sell it! Sell it
in slow motion! Sell it to a pack of
birds!

INT. SUPER SECRET LAB THINGER

TOM breaks into the lab in a similar way to the computer
scene in the first movie, but this isn't as original or
interesting or suspensful or good.

TOM CRUISE
(grinning like a doofus)
Look, I'm doing my own stunts!

DOUGRAY enters. A large fight ensues in slow motion.
Twelve birds are killed. Various guards are destroyed.
DOUGRAY takes off his mask to reveal TOM CRUISE! TOM
takes off his mask to reveal DOUGRAY! THANDIE takes off
her mask to reveal TOM CRUISE! The other TOM CRUISE
takes off his mask to reveal THANDIE NEWTON'S PET
TERRIER! JOHN WOO takes off his mask to reveal TOM
CRUISE!

TOM CRUISE (cont’d)
See, I am in complete control of this
movie! Har har!

The other TOM CRUISE takes off his mask to reveal THANDIE
NEWTON!

AUDIENCE
Wait a minute. I'm getting confused,
much like I was confused for some
reason at the "complex" plot of the
first movie.

DIRECTOR JOHN WOO
(after taking off his Anthony
Hopkins mask)
No! We can't have that! Cut all parts
which might be confusing! Only have
one mask taken off!

The henchman is killed, but he looks like TOM CRUISE!
Hence, TOM cleverly put the henchman into a TOM mask to
kill him!

TOM CRUISE
Why the fuck was I carrying a mask of
myself? And for that matter, why does
everyone have like a hundred spare
masks? Where do we keep all of them?

TOM hops on a motorcycle and a chase ensues!

TOM CRUISE (cont’d)
I must get the antedote for this virus
thingy to Thandie Newton, or she'll
die in exactly twenty hours, on the
mark.

The chase ends.

DOUGRAY SCOTT
You're so dead.

They beat the crap out of each other for a while, until
TOM WINS!

DOUGRAY SCOTT (cont’d)
(panting)
I am beaten!

THANDIE NEWTON
Hurry Tom! It's been 18 hours and 35
minutes! Time is running out! Give me
the antedote!

TOM leaves DOUGRAY alive and gets the antedote from the
FRAGILE GLASS TUBE that he LEFT IN HIS JACKET WHICH HE
THREW ON THE GROUND WHERE HE WAS FIGHTING and starts to
bring it to her.

DOUGRAY SCOTT
Now I have a gun!

TOM, lucky as hell, picks up a gun in front of him and
shoots DOUGRAY repeatedly!

THANDIE NEWTON
Oh my god! You just wasted a minute
shooting him! Come on! Time's running
out!

TOM runs to her and gives her the antedote in the nick of
time, give or take an hour.

They walk off together in a park, an appropriate end for
an action spy movie.

END

Pave
19-08-2001, 23.01.00
Bill, Bill, Bill... Da un fan di John Woo come te, non mi aspettavo un colpo basso come questo... Però che risate!!!!!!!!!

Fabio
19-08-2001, 23.53.00
Originariamente postato da Pave:
<STRONG>Bill, Bill, Bill... Da un fan di John Woo come te, non mi aspettavo un colpo basso come questo... Però che risate!!!!!!!!!</STRONG>

Io ritengo M.I. 2 uno dei film peggiori mai fatti da John Woo, visto che non si tratta di John Woo che vede Mission Impossible, ma di Tom Cruise che cerca di vedere Mission Impossible alla John Woo (spero abbia capito la sottile ironia). Ciò non toglie che, comunque, il film mi sia piaciuto.

MeTaLLo
20-08-2001, 17.18.00
a me è piaciuto solo perchè i vari "segni di riconoscimento" di john woo ci sono tutti :)