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Visualizza versione completa : Pearl Harbor - La sceneggiatura condensata (lungo)



Fabio
10-08-2001, 12.21.00
Fatevi un altro po' di risate...

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INT. FILM STUDIO

DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY and PRODUCER JERRY BRUCKHEIMER are
collaborating on their latest effort, "The Explosion",
and begin talking.

DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY
Hey Jerry, you know how I like blowing
stuff up? Well I was thinking, we should
make a really patriotic movie like
Armageddon, but at Pearl Harbor. We can
blow up a lot of stuff.

PRODUCER JERRY BRUCKHEIMER
Sounds like a good idea to me, Mike, but
how will we ever make a whole movie out
of a single bombing?

DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY
Hmm. Oh, we could add a completely
extraneous and overdramatic love story!
And I bet we could even make this
monstrosity over three hours long!

PRODUCER JERRY BRUCKHEIMER
Brilliant! It'll cost more than the war
itself! Ha ha ha!

DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY
Mwa Ha ha ha ha!

INT. MILITARY TRAINING

BEN AFFLECK and JOSH HARTNETT are reading CLASSIC
AMERICAN LITERATURE.

BEN AFFLECK
I sure am enjoying my life as an
American. America is great and full of
great things, such as Americans.

JOSH HARTNETT
Da.

BEN AFFLECK
I am in love with Kate Beckinsale.

JOSH HARTNETT
She pretty.

BEN AFFLECK
Unfortunately, I am also in love with my
country. I must go fight with the
British. Goodbye Josh. Goodbye Kate.
Kate, I won't have sex with you, because
that will make all the women in the
audience want me even more. Later.

BEN AFFLECK DIES.

JOSH HARTNETT
Now chance! Kate mine!

KATE BECKINSALE
I don't think I should get together with
you.

KATE'S FRIENDS
Then let us provide much dialogue to
justify it. This way, you won't be hated.
You should move on.

KATE BECKINSALE
That's true. After all, Ben is dead.

KATE'S FRIENDS
Oh, I doubt that. But he is..well, such
a weenie. Have you noticed he cries in
almost every movie he does? You can do
better.

They notice JOSH HARTNETT picking bugs out of his hair
and eating them.

KATE'S FRIENDS
Well, you can at least do differently.

JOSH'S FRIENDS
Let's also provide justification so you
won't be hated. It'll make your death
more dramatic.

JOSH HARTNETT
Josh death?

KATE BECKINSALE
Quiet. I love you.

JOSH HARTNETT
Me laid!

INT. EVIL JAPANESE BASE OF EVIL

The JAPANESE MILITARY is planning something...EVIL.

JAPANESE LEADER
We must attack the Americans when they
are sleeping and defenseless. Let's kick
them in their collective balls and then
pull their hair.

GUY FROM MORTAL KOMBAT
Hey! I don't believe it! A war movie
where we're the enemies and we aren't
faceless villians! Look at this! We have
scenes, lines, faces! This is great! We
have personalities!

JAPANESE LEADER
Yeah, personalities of pure evil.

GUY FROM MORTAL KOMBAT
Hmm. Good point. Let's express one line
of regret. I wish we didn't have to kill
as many people as possible in a horribly
dastardly way.

JAPANESE LEADER
Good work.

They plan their attack by wading around in small
pools that have little plastic boats all around. This
is FUCKING RIDICULOUS.

INT. PEARL HARBOR

BEN AFFLECK RETURNS

BEN AFFLECK
Hey, I'm back. And I expect everything
to be exactly the same as when I left.
Everything is the same, right?

KATE BECKINSALE
Er, well, uh..

BEN AFFLECK
Gahh! My honor has ruined my life! I hate
you, Josh Hartnett!
(cries)

He slugs Josh in the face unexpectedly, much like the
JAPANESE MILITARY will do to AMERICANS the next day.

JOSH HARTNETT
Pain! Josh mad! JOSH SMASH!!!

They fight! Then they finish fighting.

BEN AFFLECK
Through our battle, we have discovered
that we can coexist peacefully. Perhaps
temporary violence truly is the answer.
If we can resolve our differences, maybe
there is hope for the world.

JOSH HARTNETT
Actually, me still want bone Kate.

EXT. VARIOUS OUTDOOR SCENES

The JAPANESE MILITARY flies to PEARL HARBOR, passing by
CHILDREN INNOCENTLY PLAYING STICKBALL, a COUPLE
INNOCENTLY WATCHING THE SUN RISE, and an INNOCENT MOTHER
AND DAUGHTER BEING INNOCENT TOGETHER.

DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY
Almost there.. almost there...

INT. MILITARY INTELLIGENCE

DAN AYKROYD
Hello, I am a codebreaker. We can't
decode quickly enough to provide full
evidence of the attack, so it's really no
American's fault that Pearl Harbor is
bombed.

JON VOIGHT
So, we're totally innocent here, right?

DAN AYKROYD
It appears that way, Mr. President.
(pause)
What the hell happened to me?

EXT. PEARL HARBOR

DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY
It's here!!!!

DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY begins headbanging to "One Step
Closer" by Linkin Park

Stuff gets BOMBED. Things EXPLODE. People gather
around places and those places are BOMBED and they
EXPLODE. LOUD BULLETS whiz by, hitting people, whose
body parts EXPLODE. EXPLOSIONS ABOUND!

AUDIENCE
HELL YES! This is fucking badass! Wait,
this is semi-historical. This actually
happened, and I almost didn't realize it
because of the incompetent direction of
Action Director Michael Bay.

BEN AFFLECK
Get me in a plane.

JOSH HARTNETT
Get plane!

More EXPLOSIONS.

CUBA GOODING JR. says his second line and shoots a plane
down.

CUBA GOODING JR.
I am not an afterthought. I was in the
script from the beginning. I promise.

Eventually, BEN and JOSH get into planes. They take
down 8 Japanese fighters!

ALEC BALDWIN
If only we had gotten Ben and Josh to a
plane sooner. They could have won the war
for us. Anyway, we're planning a special
top-secret mission. We want you. Hey,
does anyone know when I adopted this
horribly over-the-top acting style?

BEN AFFLECK
I'm fully willing to do whatever my
country asks of me. Any way I can help
to win this war for our country.

JOSH HARTNETT
Josh do war! Josh do war!

ALEC BALDWIN
Great. I can't wait till we drop the atom
bomb on them.

BEN AFFLECK
General, that's not for quite some time.

ALEC BALDWIN
Oh, really? I better tell Michael Bay, he
had his heart set on an atom bomb
sequence. Oh well, I'll see you soon.
Now go talk to Kate Beckinsale.

INT. PEARL HARBOR

KATE BECKINSALE
As a female character in a Michael Bay
movie, I can only exist in three states:
In Love, Sad but Proud, and Confused.
I'm the third one right now.

BEN AFFLECK
Because you don't know who you love?

KATE BECKINSALE
Actually, it's because I don't know what
I'm doing in such a paint-by-the-numbers
film. I've won awards.

BEN AFFLECK
So have I.

KATE BECKINSALE
But I actually deserved mine. Anyway, I
have a problem. You see, I still love
you, Ben... but I'm pregnant with Josh's
child.

BEN AFFLECK
Oh god. God, no! Josh Hartnett is...is...
breeding!! NOOOOOO!
(cries)

KATE BECKINSALE
Yes. So while I love you, I must force
myself to love him more. You'll always
have a special place in my heart, Ben.
But Josh will always have a special place
in my pants. Plus, I flipped a coin.

BEN AFFLECK
Well, damn.
(walking away)
Oh well, I gotta go to war. Bye.

KATE BECKINSALE
Ben? If you could see to it that one of
you two dies out there, it will make my
life a lot easier.

EXT. TOKYO

They BOMB Japan. The explosions aren't as big and we
don't zoom in on actual people being killed. This is
because we are not EVIL, merely VENGEFUL, and MORALLY
CORRECT.

BEN AFFLECK
(crying)
Alright! We have achieved a small
victory!

ALEC BALDWIN
It appears that we're out of fuel and
must crash-land on enemy soil.

They do so. There is a small gunfight. BEN sacrifices
himself for JOSH. JOSH then sacrifices himself for BEN.
BEN sacrifices himself for JOSH again. JOSH sacrifices
himself for BEN once more. JOSH DIES.

JOSH HARTNETT
Josh... dying.

BEN AFFLECK
(crying)
I suppose this is as good a time as any
to tell you that you're a father.

JOSH HARTNETT
Josh father? Josh thought Josh impotent.
Josh hooked on steroid. No matter. Josh
dead.

BEN AFFLECK
Josh? Josh? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
(pause)
Okay, well, Kate's mine then.

EXT. BACK IN AMERICA

BEN RETURNS.

KATE BECKINSALE
(quietly to self)
..You love Josh. Not Ben. You love Josh.
Not Ben. You love Josh. Not Ben.. You..

BEN AFFLECK
I'm back. Josh is dead.

KATE BECKINSALE
Problem solved. Let's buy a farm and grow
old together and raise little.. little...
hmm, what should we call him?

BEN AFFLECK
Let's name him after the man whose brave
actions led to our eternal love and
happiness.. I think the guy who shot Josh
was named Noriaki Sato.

KATE BECKINSALE
Perfect!

END