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Visualizza versione completa : Titanic - La sceneggiatura condensata (lungo)



Fabio
10-08-2001, 12.17.00
Fatevi un altro bel po' di risate...

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Titanic~The Abridged Version


(Scene 1)

KATE WINSLET: My, this is a fancy boat, isn't it?

KATE'S WEASELLY FIANCE: Yes, it certainly is. Here is the art you asked
for. It is by an artist named "Picasso." I am certain he will amount to
nothing.

KATE: Ha ha ha. That is very funny to our 90's audience, because they know
these priceless paintings will sink with the boat.

LEONARDO DiCAPRIO: Hello, I'm Leonardo DiCaprio. Perhaps you have seen the
many Internet sites dedicated to the worship of me. You are very pretty.

KATE: Thank you. So are you.

LEONARDO: I know. Prettier than you, in fact. I am going to put on my
"brooding" face now, to ensure that women will keep coming back again and
again to see
this movie. Later, my white shirt will be soaking wet. Women will find this
very attractive, even though I have the body of a 12 year old.

KATE: While you're doing that, I will concentrate on standing here and
looking pretty, to keep the men in the audience interested until the boat
sinks and people start
dying.

WEASELLY FIANCE: Excuse me. I do not like you, Leonardo, even though you
saved my fiance's life. I am going to sneer at you and treat you like dirt
because
you're poor, and then I'll probably be physically abusive to my fiance, and
then, just to make sure the audience really hates me, and to make sure my
character is
entirely one-dimensional, perhaps I'll throw a small child into the water.

AUDIENCE: Boo! We hate you! Even though all real people have at least a few
admirable qualities, we have not been shown any of yours, and plus, you're
trying to
come between Leonardo and Kate, and so therefore we hate you! Boo! (Even
though technically it is Leonardo who is coming between you and Kate. But
Leonardo is handsomer than you, even though he is only 12, so we are on his
side. Boo!)

(Scene 2)

LEONARDO: I'm glad we snuck away like this so that you could cheat on your
fiance.

KATE: So am I. Even though I am engaged to him and have made a commitment
to marry him, that is no reason why you and I cannot climb into the back
seat of a
car (probably his) and steam up the windows together. The fact that I am
the heroine of the movie will no doubt help the cattle-like audience
forgive me of this,
though they would probably be VERY angry indeed if my fiance were to do the
same thing to me.

AUDIENCE: Damn straight we would ! Moo! We mean, Boo!

LEONARDO: I agree. First, I would like to draw you, though, so of course
you have to take off all your clothes.

KATE: But can a movie with five minutes of continuous nudity be at all
successful in say, Provo, Utah, where the audiences might not stand for
that sort of thing?

LEONARDO: I would be willing to bet that for the first three weeks the film
is in release, every single showing at the Wynnsong Theater in Provo will
sell out.

NARRATOR: According to Wynnsong manager Matt Palmer, that is exactly what
happened.

KATE: All right, then. (sound of clothes hitting the floor)

(Scene 3)

FIRST MATE: Captain, we're about to hit an iceberg!

CAPTAIN: Great, I could use some ice for my drink. (sound of drinking)

ICEBERG: (hits boat)

FIRST MATE: That can't be good.

CAPTAIN: Bottoms up!

AUDIENCE: Huh?

FIRST MATE: That was irony, you fools.

AUDIENCE: Baa! Moo! Where's Leonardo?

(Scene 4)

LEONARDO: I have been informed that this boat is sinking.

KATE: That is terrible. And I am the only passenger that has noticed that
there are not enough lifeboats! Everybody else took New Math in school.

LEONARDO: Would you like to engage in some more
immoral-but-justified-because-we're-pretty behavior?

KATE: Certainly. (kisses him)

WEASELLY FIANCE: I'm getting the raw end of the deal here: (to Leonardo)
Listen, Leonardo, to cement my
morally-dubious-yet-somehow-less-annoying-than-you personality, I am going
to falsely accuse you of a crime, then handcuff you to this pipe here in a
room that will
soon be filling with water, due to the fact that we are sinking, which I
believe has been mentioned previously.

LEONARDO: Why don't you just shoot me?

WEASELLY FIANCE: Because then you wouldn't be able to escape and save Kate
from me. Also, all of the women in the audience would get up and leave. Of
course, you're going to die anyway.

AUDIENCE: Don't spoil it for us! Booooooo!!

LEONARDO: He's right, though. I am doomed. It's in the script.

AUDIENCE: Aww, look how cute he is when he's doomed!

WEASELLY FIANCE: I really hate you people.

(Scene 5)

150-YEAR-OLD-KATE: And that's when Leonardo rescued me from my evil fiance
and helped me float on a board in the water. Of course, if it hadn't been
for
having to rescue HIM, I could have gotten on an actual lifeboat to begin
with, and not nearly frozen my butt off. Anyway, he's pretty much dead now,
and I'm well
over a thousand years old, and who's making my supper? I need another
Depends. Turn down that Enya music, it's making my ears hurt. You kids
today, with your
loud music. Why, in my day - hey! Don't you walk away from me, Mr.
Snooty-Patootie Oceanologist! I'd turn you over my knee, if I could bend
it. I'll beat you in
the head with this huge extremely rare blue diamond! Hey, come back here!

(FADE TO BLACK; roll credits; play annoying Celine Dion song again.)

THE END

bejita
10-08-2001, 14.42.00
mauhauhauhauhahuahhauhau hahuhauhauhhahuahuha hahauhauhauhauahua huahauhauhauhauhuhauhauhauh auahuahuahau hauahuahuahauhuauahuahauhauha uahuahuahauhauhauhauhauhau ahuahauhauhauhauahauhauha uhauahuahauhauhau ahauhauahuahuahaua huahauhauhauahuahuahauha uahauhauhauhauahuahauhaua hauhauhauahauhauahuahu ahauhauahuahuahauhauh auahuahauhauahuahau hauahuahuuahauhauahauhauhauah
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LOL
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:D :D :D


PS la risata alla Latin, l'ho messa staccata per non incasinare il layout della pagina :D

Milite ignoto
16-08-2001, 11.17.00
Il mitico bill ha finalmente visto TITANIC??? Questo è impossibile :D :D

Fabio
17-08-2001, 00.40.00
Originariamente postato da Redbarone^:
<STRONG>Il mitico bill ha finalmente visto TITANIC??? Questo è impossibile :D :D</STRONG>

No, Paolone, non l'ho visto... (anche se sarò costretto a farlo in tempi brevi).

La sceneggiatura condensata non l'ho scritta io. Non sono in grado di raggiungere tali vette di umorismo, almeno non ancora...

Pave
19-08-2001, 00.26.00
Originariamente postato da Bill:
<STRONG>

No, Paolone, non l'ho visto... (anche se sarò costretto a farlo in tempi brevi).

La sceneggiatura condensata non l'ho scritta io. Non sono in grado di raggiungere tali vette di umorismo, almeno non ancora...</STRONG>

Povero Bill... Costretto a vedere il film più menato della storia... Quasi quasi provo pietà!!! Scherzo, però il caro RedBaron (lo vedo solo adesso!!!! Kaiser, come sono confidenziale!!!!!) non è il solo ad aver frainteso... Bill lo sa bene: mi ha prontamente umiliato!!!!
Vette di umorismo??? Si, beh sono molto "british" ma penso che tu possa fare di meglio, garantito!